A Little Self Evaluation

A Story About One of What Jesus Had Done To Me

I used to think that I have mastered the (GMRC) good manners and right conduct and good etiquette to the extent that I can even teach other people...

But God had showed me my reality when I started my journal…

Opening my life to you a little, looking back at it and asking the question: 

Did I find pleasure in wicked schemes? (see verse 23)

What are these wicked schemes? 

If the antonym for this phrase is person of understanding or in tagalog “mabuting asal” or good manners. 

What were the bad manners I enjoyed?

Insensitivity, Katarayan and tactlessness.

I love laughing and happy moments. But I had no limitations on what to laugh about and what situation is really funny.

Bold and harsh comments were funny to me as long as other people would also laugh about it and mistaken it as frankness or a joke- tactless.

(I never knew I was making myself a fool this way.)

I never let other people pass and saying my frank comment became a habit. - katarayan.

I find some mistakes or shortcomings of other people funny to the extent that I was no longer aware that it humiliates them while to me it was just having fun. 

Did I enjoy? Yes, I admit. I did. 

It gave me a lot of good laughs...

but I was totally un-aware of who I am and how I was treating other people- insensitive.

A reason why the wicked dread often times overtake me.

(see verse 24).

Why did I say that?

       Soon I learned that other people made bad comments and say bad things about me behind my back...that they had a feast of fun of me when I am not around. Mimic my moves or manners like some bad habit to laugh about. It almost killed my happy soul.

       How dreadful it is to experience being humiliated when one said out loud that I was “mayabang” when I was trying to cover-up my fear of failing in an audit and trying to project a confident image. After I made him apologize publicly, he told me these words “Papatayin kita.”

     An utmost dread was uttered to me like sword that cut my heart and my whole being into pieces when one rich person told me "Ano tingin mo sa sarili mo, espesyal ka?"...reminding me that I am a nothing in this world...belittled to my core...totally worthless.

      Those were only a few. There were so much more to tell which made it dreadful enough to make me miserable…        

      To top the misery, I got sick physically-heart right bundle branch block, nervous attacks, neuralgia and to all those things that happened to me...still I was not aware that it could be the wicked dread that is overtaking. I still believed that I was not taking pleasure on a wicked scheme and that I am just a jolly person with understanding... to ask,

      "What have I done deserve such treatment? Why am I this miserable?" 

       Ironic isn't it?

       If Jesus had not came to my rescue, I could have been dead by now...physically and spiritually.

         January 30, 2011- I got reborn. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior..and this time by heart and all sincerity. I really surrendered my everything to Jesus...as in everything...my life...my soul...my past, present and future...and the life beyond that.

         From then on, I started journaling until I experienced that God speaks to me through the bible, everyday life and people that surrounds me. I started to learn the importance of understanding other people and letting them live happily the way they wanted to be. I am learning the importance of humility and how it should be done properly. I learned the importance of tongue taming and the power of the words coming out of my mouth. I learned the importance of listening, compassion and understanding.

      One day after a year of journal, I hurriedly browsed my cellphone, I got a chance to read some messages.

After reading 4 different messages from one sender, I got amazed at the messages. It has tact and gracefulness and humility.

     I can’t help admiring the humble manner of how the messages were made and said. I felt the humility of the sender that made me wonder “Who is this? How come I haven't read this before?”So I tried to check and find the source. It was only then I realize that I opened the outbox instead of the inbox and I was reading the messages that I have sent! It was my own!...The messages that I have created!

     Tears blocked my sight as I asked myself… “Is this really me?”

     And I cried silently...I could not believe it.  I was not aware that I was evaluating myself already.

I don’t know if others had noticed a change in me since I accepted Jesus in my life and vowed to follow Him and His teaching. Knowing the goodness of the changes in that little way- It could be God’s way of showing me that following Jesus would do me good and make me a better person. I am glad I found Jesus and had placed Him here in my heart and I wish to make Him stay. Indeed He is the only way.

I need Jesus to change me more and make my good changes permanent. Although I am still a “hyena” who loves laughing and want joyful ambience and jolly people always...I am praying that no one can be harm by my laughs. I am praying that others would see my changes someday the way I had seen a few myself. I know I need to learn more and I am not giving up. There would be times I might fail and fall but God will always help me up.

It is very true that (verse 24) “the righteous desire will be granted”. Weeks ago, I received good blessings and I want to thank God and the people He used to make those possible. I believe we are bound to receive abundant blessings from God as long as we are for GOD and following Lord Jesus!

Praise God! Praise Lord Jesus!

Let us pray…

Our Father God in heaven, I am an offering. Keep me from taking pleasures in doing wicked schemes. Let me be your child...a person who would be delighted in wisdom for I know, dear Lord, my desires would be granted and no wicked dread can overtake me and my life. Thank you, Lord.  In Jesus name we pray. Amen.